Je t’aime Old Memories

Farewell, Grandma Dearest

 

It has been exactly one week since my grandma’s passing. Home is getting quiet without her presence I have to admit. Especially without the TV sound that used to accompany my late grandma in the living room. The first thing when any of us got home, we will check on her but right now? All we could do is just staring into the blank space (towards the direction that she used to sit).. with no presence of my grandma there anymore.

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Aunty Molly (my late grandma) is no stranger to the neighbourhood that I am living in. She is always described and known as the grandma with cool hair style & frequent change of hair colour (she can’t stand having grey hair), who loves to dress up and pretty much quite protective towards her grandchildren (mostly yours truly). She also makes constant appearances at my school during my younger days, thus that is how my friends recognizes her as my grandma.

I dare say, she is not your typical grandma and I am pretty lucky she isn’t. She approves my inappropriate (just slightly low cut) outfits whereas my mum would mumbles about it, She would let me dye and do my hair since 15 years old during school holidays, She would give us money to buy McDonalds whenever my sister and I complains that we are bored with home-cooked food, She would want to have the same outfit as I am wearing if she likes it, And she would also take neoprint (sticker photos) with us.

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Besides being a grandma now, she is also a mother to 3 kids and great grandmother to 2 little ones. My grandpa passed away when my dad was just 15 years old, thus there is where my grandma took on his role to work and earn to feed the family. I seriously couldn’t imagine how and what I would do if I was in her shoes – losing my husband so soon. Yet, grandma pulled through and did all she could to make sure the family is well fed.

Aside from acknowledging what my grandma has done for the family throughout the years, I would also like to express my gratitude to everyone’s kind words, as well as those who made an effort to come to my grandma’s wake to pay your last respects.

To my relatives,

Thank you all for being there to support and assist my family and I throughout the wake and funeral. Especially my grandaunt Mary (grandma’s younger sister) who has been there mentally and physically, who even stayed back to help out after the funeral was all over and done with. Not forgetting, my cousins and relatives from my mum’s side of the family, I appreciate all of your presence and effort to come down all the way to KLANG to pay your last respect to my late grandma. I am indeed pleased that the union between my dad and mum’s side of the family is well-kept this way.

To my extended family members,

Eventhough we probably only meet a few years once during festivals or weddings, I appreciate all of your presence during the wake and to make an effort to come during the funeral day as well.

To my primary/high school mates/childhood buddies and friends,

I sincerely would like to thank you all for taking the time out of your busy schedule and coming over to the wake after work to pay your last respect to my grandma, especially a few of my mates that I have not met in years after I left school (you know who you are). It means a lot to have all of your support at such low point of my life.

To my neighbours/neighbourhood,

I’m sorry that we didn’t manage to notify all of you but thank you for making an effort to come when you find out. That includes the aunties from the saloon that my grandma frequently goes to, the uncle from the Bah Kut Teh shop that my grandma always tapao from, the Nyonya kueh aunty, the doctors (Dr Jaspal & Dr Quay) that my grandma goes to, etc.

Also on behalf of my dad, I would like to extend my appreciation to his buddies, childhood friends, ex-staffs and acquaintances for attending my late grandma’s wake.

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I understand how people comforted us and said that my grandma went in peace; that passing away in her slumber is the least painful kind of death that people desire – “to go in their sleep”. Like how she is in a better place now reunited with my grandpa, etc. True that. I believe she is! Yet nobody tells me on how to cope with losing someone that is close to me and lived together with for 24 years. This is the kind of hard reality that I will need to go through in life, and that is to accept and acknowledge that my ONLY grandma has passed on.

How long will it take to completely be fine? 1 month? 2 months? 3 months? 1 year? I don’t know. But I am sure sporadically I will think about the things my grandma and I have done together. How she would spoil me constantly by trying to provide me with anything and everything that I request for.

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During my trip back to Melbourne 2 months ago, I clearly remember the conversation that I had with my cousin KK over dinner, about how and will we ever miss someone that once means so much to us? Do we tend to forget everything and move on at some stage in life?

He enlightened me and told me that,

” It’s not about how long the joy and happiness last, but what matters is how you remember them and keep the best moment you once shared together in your memory. “

True enough. Very well said, indeed. The amount of memories that I have with my late grandma will forever be stored in my mind and heart. You will definitely be missed dearly by us all, mama.

xx

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Les Paresseux Moi


This is so not cool.
I have been slacking on updating my blog, again & like always.
There is just so much to update (previous outings, holidays, etc),
Also, I have lots in my mind to talk about as well but you know,
After an exhausting day at work.. all I want to do is just have my dinner and call it a day.
That is why I am depending on public holidays a lot to rejuvenate.

And guess what?

Not many public holidays left anymore after August.

 

T___________T

Anyway – Last year, today. I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years.
That guy who was with throughout being a teenage high school girl to a Uni graduate.
Many has asked, why? Don’t you think its a waste after so many years?
So here, as of today, after a whole good year being out of  THE relationship,
I am here to tell how it feels like.

Break up.

Whenever someone hears you saying – “Oh I just broke up with my boyfriend/girlfriend”.
They will eventually say, “I am sorry to hear that”.

My thought is, what is that to be sorry for?
Indeed, it sure is pretty sad to see two person stop loving each other but..
Why can’t an ending be a happy one for relationship but instead,
it has to be a sad one all the time?

Myself and Jayson, we ended our relationship for our own benefits.
Despite him being 6 years older.. going to reside permanently in Perth..
having the stable job and income.. had a girlfriend for 6 years..
what do you reckon his next aim in life would be then?
You do the thinking and then continue reading on my thoughts next.

I don’t think I am ready, nor I am mature enough to be a part of his plan.
Even if there is a back-up plan, I would have doubts that things will work out.
I grew up to having different needs and the things we used to share in common has faded away.
I am not pointing fingers by blaming the distance for what happened,
but hey, people change throughout time don’t we?
Like when we were younger, we love candies and anything that pleases our sweet bud.
But as we grow older, you tend to try something else and go “hey. I prefer this better so much better!”
Same concept applies, if you know what I mean.

Although we are no longer holding the status of boyfriend/girlfriend to each other,
we still talk, even up till now.
His lame jokes could totally cheer me up and believe it or not,
we can still have endless conversation sometimes. Note that.  Just sometimes.
I am happy being single, he is happy out there looking for Miss Right to fill in the blank,
I don’t see how this break up is doing bad for us. Do you?

I am proud to say I was once with this awesome guy,
who loved me for who I am (when I was in my worst state of my life looking hideous),
who holds on to the 6 years relationship earnestly, where 4 years were spent long distance,
who then decides to respect my decision and let me live a life that perhaps, could make me happier.

Thanks for everything, Jayson Lim Yuen Tatt.
I couldn’t think of any better ways to thank you than writing this.
Plus, it works as a dynamic publicity stunt for you isn’t it?
See. I am such a good friend.

xx

Off my Shoulder.

I am letting go of something that I’ve hold on for 6 years.
You can tell me it is extremely fucking silly to let go for something that happened for merely 2 months,
but I dare say, I know this is the right thing to do for now.

To love & be together with someone,
it takes two hands to clap.
This mean it works both way and if one is reluctant to give in,
then there is no point in forcing something that would never work out.
Its funny how sometimes you thought you are optimistic about your feelings,
but deep down inside you are actually not appreciating it at all?

Yes, I know. I am very lucky to have him as my boyfriend.
I always tell myself that as well – I am lucky he noticed me when no one else would.
I was 14 and he was 20 when we first met.
And usually, people would just go like.. ” oh 14? What a kid. ”
But he didn’t. Jay looked at me like an individual itself and he took the effort to know me.
I wasn’t convinced enough that time to realize a guy like him would love me,
but it did happened and there we go, getting together on the 4th of October 2004.

Then misery hits when he told me he had to go to Perth for his studies.
Alright, for any 15 years old – that sure is not a good news.
Neither did I could handle such scenario,
but Jay told me perhaps this is a challenge to prove how strong we can be.
I sucked it up and got into a long distance relationship with him.
One in Malaysia and the another in Australia.
Being just 15 years old and I have to be in a long distance relationship?
Fucking no joke it kills like crap! I needed him every single seconds but I couldn’t.
All I do everyday is..
Come back from school, check my cellphone.. see if he leaves me any texts,
or go online (thank god for the Internet) and stay there for hours because I fucking miss him?

Till it reaches one stage.
Where I got numb of not having him around,
and learned to live my live alone while being in a relationship.
I could feel as if both of us were drifting away at that point,
when he was so busy struggling to finish his degree with honours..
& I was busy as well being so socially active in high school and stuffs.
I can say, both of us were independent lover at that point.
All we do is talk to each other like say once a week, write e-mails or either just a phone call.
That is all that we did to maintain this long distance relationship.

He could be at Perth, enjoying his university life while everything that I do in Malaysia,
just reminds me the shit out of him. Say for example,
like how we used to go to McDonalds after he fetches me from school.
I would never forget that silly face of his, taking a chunk of fries in his hand and dipping it into the sauce..
and then crush them all up like an atomic bomb in his mouth.
This is something about the epic him that I would never forget, at all.
This explains why I love McDonalds so much, because this is where it all started.
My happiness. or should I say, our happiness – both for me and him.
Also, how I used to sit at a corner watching him play and dunk-ing on basketball.
Though I DON’T FANCY BASKETBALL AT ALL but I still took the initiative to do so with him,
because I know, it’s consider spending precious time with him, doing things he like.



So I learned to be strong and keep myself busy with school stuffs and etc.
Everyone keeps asking me,
” how do you maintain a long distance relationship with your boyfriend for so long? “

All I do most of the time is nod and smiled.
It feels awkward for not being able to answer this question,
and that people would call me stupid or laugh behind my back..
saying ” her boyfriend confirm have another girl there already one, just that she don’t know “.
But all I do is, keep faith in the relationship and just do what I should do,
which is to study and be a high school student.
I was really good at ignoring back then, so yeah.
I choose not to think about this and keep my life going in Malaysia & having a boyfriend in Australia.

Finally after 3 years of being together, I have graduated from high school and turned 18.
He has also graduated from university with a degree at the same time.
It was like, moving to another phase in life for the both of us and guess what?
He told me that he is going to continue with his Masters and am staying back in Perth.
Yes, my heart shattered into pieces again.
And when I thought he could come back to me and I could lead a normal life..
apparently it continues and once again, I have to go through college life, without my boyfriend.

I don’t want to mention what happened during my college days between me and him.
It was all too drama and I am always feeling tired thinking back of what happened.
Let’s just simplify things this way,
things were shaky for the both of us after the 3rd year and it goes on and off.
But whenever shits happened, it was always him who act maturely to fix the relationship.
That explains why we are still together.

Until this year, where I finally stepped abroad for studies in Australia.
I thought I could be closer to him and that things would be better.
But guess I was wrong. It didn’t get better but instead,
I realized something that I should realize few years back.

I was tired, I was always tired explaining myself to people where my boyfriend is and why isn’t he there for me.
I did that for years – not one.. not two.. not three.. but 4 and a half years in total.
I am tired of clarifying to people why didn’t you come back and kept wanting to stay in Perth,
I am tired of being alone and crying to you only through the phone and via texts,
I am tired of being immune with you telling me, ” sorry I am busy, maybe next time. ”
I am tired of getting your attention only when I burst out in anger.
I am tired of telling myself that I have a boyfriend but he is no where to be seen nearby.
I am tired of trying to tell you how much I need you and asking you to come back.


I am very tired.

I turned 21 last month, and you are 27 this year.
What we have been through is definitely a memory that I will treasure forever – yes, forever it is.
I was with you throughout my high school days, college years and almost to the end of university life,
it’s almost close to perfect. Its like.. the next thing we need to do is just to get marry.
That is the kind of life that every girl look forward to, isn’t it?
But looking back, I know where me and Jay stands now.
I can’t afford to hurt just another person again, not someone that I have been with for 7 years.
Something happened to me last week &  it makes me realized what I need and who is important to me.
Love is not a deal to be played with,
it comes with a sacrifices and we don’t need years to prove that our feelings are true,
it can take days.. a week.. or just months to know how real a love is.

Nobody can understand where I stand and how I feel right now,
it’s all mixed up but yeah, I just can’t afford to hurt just another person again.
I wanted a brand new start, even if it takes from the beginning all over once more..
I am up for the challenge. I always believe that there is a thingy called 2nd chance.
& when 2nd chance comes, its gonna be filled with trust to keep things strong.

This is the current playlist of my emotions.
Distorted and very much mixed up.
Like I say in my previous blog post, sometimes..
I really wish I was borned emotion-less you know.
It would be like the best gift ever a human can have.

xx