I am letting go of something that I’ve hold on for 6 years.
You can tell me it is extremely fucking silly to let go for something that happened for merely 2 months,
but I dare say, I know this is the right thing to do for now.
To love & be together with someone,
it takes two hands to clap.
This mean it works both way and if one is reluctant to give in,
then there is no point in forcing something that would never work out.
Its funny how sometimes you thought you are optimistic about your feelings,
but deep down inside you are actually not appreciating it at all?
Yes, I know. I am very lucky to have him as my boyfriend.
I always tell myself that as well – I am lucky he noticed me when no one else would.
I was 14 and he was 20 when we first met.
And usually, people would just go like.. ” oh 14? What a kid. ”
But he didn’t. Jay looked at me like an individual itself and he took the effort to know me.
I wasn’t convinced enough that time to realize a guy like him would love me,
but it did happened and there we go, getting together on the 4th of October 2004.
Then misery hits when he told me he had to go to Perth for his studies.
Alright, for any 15 years old – that sure is not a good news.
Neither did I could handle such scenario,
but Jay told me perhaps this is a challenge to prove how strong we can be.
I sucked it up and got into a long distance relationship with him.
One in Malaysia and the another in Australia.
Being just 15 years old and I have to be in a long distance relationship?
Fucking no joke it kills like crap! I needed him every single seconds but I couldn’t.
All I do everyday is..
Come back from school, check my cellphone.. see if he leaves me any texts,
or go online (thank god for the Internet) and stay there for hours because I fucking miss him?
Till it reaches one stage.
Where I got numb of not having him around,
and learned to live my live alone while being in a relationship.
I could feel as if both of us were drifting away at that point,
when he was so busy struggling to finish his degree with honours..
& I was busy as well being so socially active in high school and stuffs.
I can say, both of us were independent lover at that point.
All we do is talk to each other like say once a week, write e-mails or either just a phone call.
That is all that we did to maintain this long distance relationship.
He could be at Perth, enjoying his university life while everything that I do in Malaysia,
just reminds me the shit out of him. Say for example,
like how we used to go to McDonalds after he fetches me from school.
I would never forget that silly face of his, taking a chunk of fries in his hand and dipping it into the sauce..
and then crush them all up like an atomic bomb in his mouth.
This is something about the epic him that I would never forget, at all.
This explains why I love McDonalds so much, because this is where it all started.
My happiness. or should I say, our happiness – both for me and him.
Also, how I used to sit at a corner watching him play and dunk-ing on basketball.
Though I DON’T FANCY BASKETBALL AT ALL but I still took the initiative to do so with him,
because I know, it’s consider spending precious time with him, doing things he like.
So I learned to be strong and keep myself busy with school stuffs and etc.
Everyone keeps asking me,
” how do you maintain a long distance relationship with your boyfriend for so long? “
All I do most of the time is nod and smiled.
It feels awkward for not being able to answer this question,
and that people would call me stupid or laugh behind my back..
saying ” her boyfriend confirm have another girl there already one, just that she don’t know “.
But all I do is, keep faith in the relationship and just do what I should do,
which is to study and be a high school student.
I was really good at ignoring back then, so yeah.
I choose not to think about this and keep my life going in Malaysia & having a boyfriend in Australia.
Finally after 3 years of being together, I have graduated from high school and turned 18.
He has also graduated from university with a degree at the same time.
It was like, moving to another phase in life for the both of us and guess what?
He told me that he is going to continue with his Masters and am staying back in Perth.
Yes, my heart shattered into pieces again.
And when I thought he could come back to me and I could lead a normal life..
apparently it continues and once again, I have to go through college life, without my boyfriend.
I don’t want to mention what happened during my college days between me and him.
It was all too drama and I am always feeling tired thinking back of what happened.
Let’s just simplify things this way,
things were shaky for the both of us after the 3rd year and it goes on and off.
But whenever shits happened, it was always him who act maturely to fix the relationship.
That explains why we are still together.
Until this year, where I finally stepped abroad for studies in Australia.
I thought I could be closer to him and that things would be better.
But guess I was wrong. It didn’t get better but instead,
I realized something that I should realize few years back.
I was tired, I was always tired explaining myself to people where my boyfriend is and why isn’t he there for me.
I did that for years – not one.. not two.. not three.. but 4 and a half years in total.
I am tired of clarifying to people why didn’t you come back and kept wanting to stay in Perth,
I am tired of being alone and crying to you only through the phone and via texts,
I am tired of being immune with you telling me, ” sorry I am busy, maybe next time. ”
I am tired of getting your attention only when I burst out in anger.
I am tired of telling myself that I have a boyfriend but he is no where to be seen nearby.
I am tired of trying to tell you how much I need you and asking you to come back.
I am very tired.
I turned 21 last month, and you are 27 this year.
What we have been through is definitely a memory that I will treasure forever – yes, forever it is.
I was with you throughout my high school days, college years and almost to the end of university life,
it’s almost close to perfect. Its like.. the next thing we need to do is just to get marry.
That is the kind of life that every girl look forward to, isn’t it?
But looking back, I know where me and Jay stands now.
I can’t afford to hurt just another person again, not someone that I have been with for 7 years.
Something happened to me last week & it makes me realized what I need and who is important to me.
Love is not a deal to be played with,
it comes with a sacrifices and we don’t need years to prove that our feelings are true,
it can take days.. a week.. or just months to know how real a love is.
Nobody can understand where I stand and how I feel right now,
it’s all mixed up but yeah, I just can’t afford to hurt just another person again.
I wanted a brand new start, even if it takes from the beginning all over once more..
I am up for the challenge. I always believe that there is a thingy called 2nd chance.
& when 2nd chance comes, its gonna be filled with trust to keep things strong.
This is the current playlist of my emotions.
Distorted and very much mixed up.
Like I say in my previous blog post, sometimes..
I really wish I was borned emotion-less you know.
It would be like the best gift ever a human can have.